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Saturday, October 27th, 2007
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i don't think i really thought this through. i kind of want to come home. i've been here for 3 months. i've never been so lonely. but it's a strange kind of lonely, self-inflicted. since i'm here with two of my best friends. israel is beautiful and i like being of drinking age. i like the food. the language interests me, but not enough to learn it.
the truth is that i'm sick of myself. i'm sick of nursing, comforting, and amusing myself. i've read more books in these past 3 months than in the last 3 years combined. and i hate hate hate shabbat.
the truth is that i'm writing this on lj because my real journal is sickeningly full of this kind of stuff. i know there are some days i'm glad i'm here. i know i don't have very long left. i know i'll be home before i know it and then it will be israel that i miss. i know how finicky i am. i know, but...
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Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
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have i told you about renn fayre? ... it's coming. this time friday i will be guzzling champagne at 60 miles per hour, chain-smoking, and screaming with joy at the top of my lungs. i don't think i would have chosen reed if it weren't for renn fayre. the school pays for everything but the drugs (usually about $50,000, i would say the total drug budget is probably more than that, though). this year the theme is dr. seuss and i am wearing pink. some students have been counting down the days since it was 2006. seniors are beginning to get their laurels and everyone else is beginning to get serious about finals. the year went quick.
everyday is a struggle but the sun makes it easier. i think i'm going to jerusalem for the fall. school is going to be one of my lesser priorities in the middle east. i need to get out of here - i have a life to revive, a boy to get over, and a future to plan for. i want to graduate from reed. these days, as i watch the end of sophomore year approach, that goal seems in reach. if i go to israel. all year it's felt like reed was going to win, finish me off. if i try to plow through 4 years straight here, i think it would BUT if i spend a semester in the desert learning to roll hash spliffs, i might just make it. i would look good in laurels. most of my friends are either taking the semester (or the year) off or going abroad which makes these next couple weeks some big good byes. these people have become my people completely and good byes are hard.
it's been a hard year. as i drunkenly yelled at todd one night: "bad year! bad year! throw out the wine!"
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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
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i think that a big chunk of that little girl inside of me died last night. maybe i'll get the faith back but right now it feels unrecoverable.
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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
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| Time: | 4:36 pm. |
| Mood: | library. | | Music: | anthony b. |
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ok, so, really, i am still an emo kid on the inside. just have to check in every now and then. keep a record of these events so that in 2 million years when aliens discover the world wide web they'll know my name (although i'm sure they'll mis-pronounce it)
everything has been consistently borderline shitty for months. i've pretty much accepted the fact that i'll never be the student i want to be. i have a plan b. i spend most of my time in a grimy apartment we affectionately refer to as "the blackhole" and it is: hours disappear to pot and television. my cigarette intake has increased, as if anyone thought that was possible. somehow i'm broke every week or two and then find some money in my shoe. again, the fixation with one person is back. although i think it's been around for months and months but just purposely ignored. i keep learning not as much as i should, but progress is progress. disappearing into the woods sounds more or less appealing most days. i very rarely know what i'm doing but i spend a lot of my time wondering whether it's worth it. i crave my big bed for days. maybe this is what education is supposed to be like: postmodernism.
everything at home has pretty much gone to shit, too. i had to divorce michelle. i speak about it in light terms but really this time. one of the harder things in this world may be letting go of people you never thought you'd let go of. that's how strong you thought your love was. naive youth but that doesn't change the hurt. maybe this is what emotional education is like.
if wild my breast and sore my pride,
i bask in dreams of suicide,
if cool my heart and high my head
i think "how lucky are the dead"
thanks dorothy parker
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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
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it is so funny to me that i am writing in my livejournal. i am drinking "gypsy cold rememdy" tea that they gave me at the reed health center. i have bronchitis. i'm supposed to be reading durkheim. actually i'm supposed to be at work. reading durkheim. i was a zombie wednesday through now. everyday i count the days i've been a zombie and wonder when it's going to be over. i'm stoned. it's hard to smoke with bronchitis because of all the coughing. i had to switch from le chaim (my beautiful bong and p.o.c. to a joint). this isn't the first time i've been this sick entirely of my own doing. it's a weird thing. you know you created it but that doesn't mean you don't want all the indulgences of being sick. i've basically switched from livejournal to a real journal. awhile ago, actually. not everybody grows out of their emo kid stage but i'm working on it. i guess i'm going to read durkheim. this has been weird. livejournal is weird.
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so. it's the last monday of my freshman year. actually, that's not even fair to say as technically, i'm no longer taking classes, and it's not even reading week anymore, just officially finals week. wow. this whole thing is about to be over. recently, i've been feeling kind of two ways about it. on the one hand, thank god. i need to go home. please. on the other hand, i love reed, i belong here, i can do this blah blah blah. i'm kind of miserable. i broke down today and got so upset that i further broke my already broken shitty wooden dorm desk chair. i don't know how to begin explaining how conflicted i feel about my friends, and my classes, and even going home really. the truth is that it changes from day to day. one day, i love being here and i couldn't have better friends or a better life. the next day i'm depresssed, hate life, my friends, my classes, these tests and papers and the library. but the real truth is that i don't think that's going to change/would be different if i were in seattle. i mean, yes, there are distinct differences. i wouldn't feel academically stimulated but i also wouldn't sometimes look around myself and feel so trapped and alone in the same way at reed. seattle is a trap. and i do get lonely there. but it's a different kind of lonely and a different kind of trapped. here i'm trapped on this fucking campus. i'm trapped into being surrounded by the same people all the time and still being so lonely. in seattle, my friends exist but they aren't always within walking distance and sometimes they just can't be around. but in a way, that feels more like life. i would be sad in seattle, though, too, i'm sure. plus this whole eating/not eating thing is really beginning to get to me. my body needs to chill out. and i need to eat somewhere other than commons. right now i'm sick and hungry but food just sounds so unappealing. ugh. also, the idea of leaving this place that has now become my really fucked up but yet well known home and those people who have been constantly surrounding me, which is comforting in a sick way, and the kids down the hall and the kids i walk by all the time and all the people that i sit next to in all of my classes and during meals... gone. me. home. them. their homes, or whatever. it's going to be a shock, i think. because really, i love those people. which is what makes feeling this lonely and this bored so... i guess hard is the word. and i'm upset that liv graduated in march and it's not may and she hasn't tried to get ahold of me. and i'm upset about michelle's lies. and about how still, she doesn't call me, and how this whole year i don't actually think she's followed through on one big thing or an infinite number of little things (ie: being on time) the entire time i've been in school. and i also know how hard this year has been for her and feel guilty for leaving her to face seattle by herself. because, i know that if i had been in seattle this year, things would have been different for her. but different for me too, as i would have also suffered the horrible fate of those left behind and maybe i would have gone with michelle down those same paths, although really.. i don't think so. but she wouldn't have been so alone and so bored and that is a direct difference that i could have made but, of course, not a sacrifice i was willing to make. and and i can't believe the level that she let it get to and the things she has gotten herself into. but i love her. a lot. this year has changed me. and i'm older. and harder. but still, really, the same slave to my moods and some days are good and some days are bad. and i feel bad about david and how, although we love each other, he says i don't really know him and i probably won't see that much of him. but also all the shit that he has to deal with. although, i know in a sick way david needs that feeling of obligation and thrives on it, things have gotten to a truly ridiculous point that cannot all be the result of how he is and that sick need but actual fucked up circumstances. and i wish that i could be of some, any support to him. but i don't think that's possible and it makes me sad. i feel bad about everyone i've loved that doesn't want to see anymore of me, and all the people that have suffered this year because they couldn't be around the people who love them, me but not just me, because of fucking college and going away to college. and everyone who stayed at home and had to find a new life in the same fucking city because suddenly everyone was gone. but this year needed to happen and i would never have been able to learn this shit in seattle, whatever this shit is, and that's probably true for everyone else as well. it sucked but it needed to happen. which is why i'm coming back next year. it sucks and it probably will suck but it's what's got to happen. and i've been reading st. augustine's confessions, plus i just wrote this huge paper on gnosticism that i was researching for ages, and i've been wanting to look inside of myself. i don't know. i can't type all of my thoughts on religion and confession and gnosis out right now. i can't summarize why i like augustine or gnosticism right now. but yeah. i'm thinking about it. i really hope (kind of know) everything's going to be ok, everyone's going to be ok. i just get really frustrated about how hard this is sometimes.
- this has been a monologue brought to you by stoned tosh. <3. holla at seattle next sunday.
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| Time: | 7:54 pm. |
| Mood: |  discontent. | | Music: | cruisin' the town. |
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so, yeah, it's been awhile but, as usual, i'm stoned and have no idea how this should go. most days i'm pretty miserable. ever since i got back from spring break, really. being home was kind of amazing and at the end there was just so much love. being back here is mostly a disappointment. drunken weekends and hazy work intensive weeks. i'm so lonely/bored/unfulfilled i could scream. i wish i were home. in good news, though, i don't have to take a reed first year language (i <3 running start). i'm turning into more of a hippie everyday. my hair is extraordinarily long. tomorrow makes april (and by coincidence derek 19. need to call a homie.) reed frustrates me to no end. however, i think i am returning next year which may be unfortunate but yeah. reading the bible currently - revelations is crazy shit. right. so. holla at god. michelle called. heart.
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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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| Time: | 4:58 pm. |
| Mood: | stoned. | | Music: | atmosphere. |
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let's see, successes of the day. well, 1) i managed to stay awake through both 90 min lectures i had this morning and take notes 2) conquered my harsh intense fear of tampons (i know, kind of tmi but whatever) 3) my psych rat, afrika, kicked ass in our lab today and then we had a bonding session in the hallway. [seriously, after the first lab, i thought maya and i had gotten a retard rat to match our retarded selves. but, no, in the make up lab, afrika took that bitch by storm. he continued to kick ass in the 2nd lab and again in the 3rd. that rat is fucking smart. and cute. and yeah, maybe a little retarded- but aren't the best of us?] 4) well, i mean, i did just roll myself a gorgeous little spliff which i think counts. 5) i went to work and read shit about augustus for hum the entire time. i landed two jobs that i swear have stoner written all over them. at the sports center, i sit and a desk and read, occasionally pressing a button to let someone out or finding someone on a list but that's it. at the library, i catalog books. as in, put stickers on them and add security tags and shit. maybe i do stuff with computers, too, i don't know but basically i'm still sitting at a desk doing mindless work. tight.
overall, it's been an ok day. it's been an ok week. i'm not happy, persay, but shit's all right. me and afrika have a lot in common. we can handle this shit.
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:34 pm. |
| Music: | ghetto cowboy. |
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it's been just lovely in portland. i've been in definitely better spirits.
i have ideas. i think rachel and i are just going to say fuck it and get ourselves a puppy. on top of that, in two years, i hope to be with eric messerschmidt in central american a-building ourselves a farm. i think these things would be just right. they would be steps toward happiness, i think. peacing way the fuck out somewhere, working really hard, and contemplating my shit for a long time is just what my soul needs. in terms of the puppy- a little fur pup would definitely be a definitely mood uplift.
spring's coming. things are kind of beginning to work together in some kind of way. i'm trying not to keep away from sadness.
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Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. | | Music: | the harder they come. |
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believe me when i say that i want to find my way out of this. i just don't see any options or routes. i wish that someone understand how i feel these days just by looking at me but no one seems to get it. i've been freaking out more than usual and would prefer sleeping to being awake most of the time. i feel like i don't have a place or a future that i'm really all that interested in. everything is a bit of a battle and i'm almost always bored. but, really, honestly, i do want to be happy - it's just hard.
i guess when you get down to it, it doesn't matter whether i'm here or there. this one's on the inside.
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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:19 pm. |
| Music: | under the bridge and california dreamin'. |
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I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie
....
Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away
yeah, baby girl's coming home. i don't really know how i feel about anything but i'm ready to be back and that's for damn sure.
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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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to speak directly, i drew my breath
from you at the first and so now i lull
my mouth to sleep with your name
i feel like oedipus today. also, seattle's smoking ban supposedly just went into effect. damn.
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how can we live with the things that we've done? i know that i've been bad and that i've been wrong and that i have done questionable things and that at some point, i'm going to have to answer for them but really today all i need is to lay down and have things work out. i know that i've wronged you and taken advantage of your generousity, but can you save getting back at me for another time?
... i feel a meltdown coming on. the fact that i get to go home in a week, doesn't really lessen the tsunami-sized wave of work that's about to fall on my head.
i'm sick and penniless and not as smart as i need to be. can i please just have a hug?
(i hate how hum 110 has somehow invaded every aspect of my life. today, as i write this review sheet, i know that there's a direct connection between me and oedipus. i want to self-harm, too.)
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | atmosphere - vampires. |
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this here is crunch time. finals are a week away and everything's due. i can't wait to be home.
i cut my hair. now i have bangs. makes me feel older. but, fuck, you know, i am older.
i have to go take a ridiculous bio midterm. long distance love.
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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i wish that i had the words to tell you about where acid and i went last night. we spent hours with the ocean, and the tide, and the night, and the moon was so bright that you didn't need a light. we started talking about bob dylan and isis and from there systematically evaluated the themes of existence through a variety of means and fields, including atmsophere, psychology, myth, science, and even the book of revelations. we were trying to get it right. i'm telling you, something must have been right because a baby girl just hasn't managed to sleep yet with so much going on in the world.
so... yeah... sorry i'm not better at finding the right words to say. it was amazing. a night to remember until i die, for sure.
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:33 pm. |
| Mood: | working hard. | | Music: | da club went crazy. |
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so... supposed to be writing hum paper number three, but i've always been a sucker for a haiku.
back to the dorms i
thing i forgot to mention
that i look like shit
here at reed these days
my days are pretty full what
with work and smoking
mum hit it under
the sink but i actually
think that that's helping
hella chill.
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there is just too much drama up in the lbc.
i'm having a better time at reed these days. my days are pretty full what with work and kickin' it with my new girls. right now, the thesis tower belongs to us. it's like studying in grandpa's study or something. so much studying to do. if i let myself think about it, i realize how completely endless all this work is.
i like to think of everyone i love owning a different piece of my heart. right now, those pieces of my heart are spread all over the country. i don't like having everyone so far away.
i'm ok these days, just a tad worried.
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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:00 pm. |
| Music: | mariah remix. |
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last night i dressed up as myself in 40 years. flannel pajamas with crazy hair and a fur coat. gear. tonight i am tosh bear. same fur coat and cute homemade ears. toshbear comes naturally to me. it smells like halloween. winter's brewing.
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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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there are things that i wish someone was interested in hearing about reed college. like how sometimes i feel like i'm inside an abstract music video. naomi always travels with a tape player and music seems to come from everywhere. i wish that i could tell someone about the trees and their leaves. the color and the way that they fall. these people are so serious about their trees that there's a website mapping all of the trees on campus. i want to write about the graveyard noises that happen at night and on really dark days. if the golf course across the street were a cemetary they might make sense but it's not. the sprinklers in front of my dorm go on at 2:30 am sharp. sometimes my heater makes a buzzing noise (it's doing it now).
i've been sleeping more than i should and i'm flirting with the idea of quitting smoking. working hard feels good but otherwise i'm pretty bored. and maybe depressed. this year isn't looking good. is the first year of college supposed to feel like this because it's really unpleasant and i rather want to abandon ship.
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
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i don't want to be here anymore and i want drugs. i can't sleep but i can't take sleeping pills because tomorrow is important. i kind of want to die. i feel so completely alone and so completely shitty and i don't know what to do.
i'd like to function as a droid until i can go home. oh, if only. i hate my life and want to break things.
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wouldbe's journal
aggravated.